Discovering Underlying Dynamics
I would like to share something that happened recently during a lesson I was teaching. I am changing the names of the horses and person in the interest of privacy. Also, because I haven't used these terms for quite awhile, BFO = blinding flash of the obvious and NQR = not quite right (when something feels "off").
Jo has two horses, each who appear to be totally opposite in the way that they respond to Jo's interactions with them. Max typically ignores Jo or tries to take over in various ways and Cal typically "opts out" of any interaction that he thinks is not going to immediately benefit him in some way. So Cal can be very hard to catch and Max is easy to catch but can be hard for Jo to get to cooperate with her plans. I want to show you how these seemingly opposite behaviors are two sides of the same coin of an unconscious dynamic that Jo has with her two horses.
During this particular lesson we were working on two activities in one with Max; Pay-attention-to-me and Now-you-can-eat-now-you-can't-eat. These two ideas combine nicely to gain some attention and responsiveness around food. I began by explaining things to Jo and showing her with Max. Max was very responsive and attentive to me, lifting his head in response to my focus and inner awareness and keeping an eye or ear on me while he was eating. I then gave the lead rope to Jo and helped her get started. Max was doing pretty well considering that Jo was learning how to keep inner awareness and use the lead rope in such a way to ask Max to pick his head up without pulling on it.
I stepped further away to remove more of my influence, and shortly it was like a different horse was on the end of the lead rope. There was a wall of ignoring around Max and he would not give Jo the time of day or pick his head up for anything. I let Jo experiment for a little bit until I felt the frustration coming up and then I asked her how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She told me that she was frustrated. I asked what she wanted to do and she said something like, “just make him pick his head up”. I then asked her how that felt and if she had any NQR’s about “making him” pick his head up. She told me no at first but then as we talked she explained that she wanted a magical connection with Max and that she wanted him to cooperate with her because he wanted to and not because she was making him.
We talked about how that is kind of like being caught in this catch-22, where he is ignoring her and not complying with this simplest of requests, yet if she “makes him” comply, then she for sure hasn’t created what she wants. She also said, “I think he thinks I am a pushover”. I asked her if that was true, if he was accurate? And she kind of laughed and said “yeah, probably that is true.” We talked a little bit more about how this would affect her relationship with Max and how it would be hard to view her as a leader or someone to be listened to if he thought she was a pushover and she behaved like one with him in their relationship. We also talked about how this dynamic has limited the relationship and therefore had a limiting impact on Max’s life too, that it isn’t all just win-win for him to keep things the way they are.
We took a break here, it was a good stopping spot because these were totally new realizations for her.
Before starting our next session, we talked a little bit more about stuff and Jo had another BFO. She realized that she makes her decisions around what she thinks Max (or Cal) want and that she is afraid to try to get her wants met because they might not like her. This conversation took place sitting in the horse pasture with Max standing at the fence, hanging his head over the fence near where Jo was. Jo talked about wanting a deeper connection and why she felt like she didn’t have one. I pointed out to her the spots where she was having a connection already and Max was joining in on the conversation with chews, snorts and at one point a really unique expression that was in response to something that Jo said that he did not agree with. During this conversation, we also talked about what Jo could do with the pay attention to me and my grass game to set it up for success and to have other options between being totally ignored and “making him”.
In light of Jo’s BFO with Max, we could then see the connection to Cal's behavior. In regards to Cal, Jo’s thought (and mine too) is that he only wants to do things if it is on his terms and is going to benefit him, otherwise he is unwilling. This now makes perfect sense. Cal is pointing that same dynamic out, just in a different way—Max is saying “I am not going to cooperate with you or give you the time of day because if you are a pushover and not a leader, why should I?” Cal is on the other side saying, “see, you think it should be all about me, so I am going to show you that by acting like it is all about me.”
This dynamic is the main thing getting in the way of Jo achieving her dreams with each of these horses because it forms her decisions and behavior in each relationship. To begin to change this, Jo can begin to think of what she wants to do, what she wants from the horses, and then go about figuring out how to get that now, via what she CAN do now or today. To do this she will need to look at what she wants, and if it is a certain action from the horses, one that she is not sure they will do—then she needs to figure out what feeling or quality would come from that certain action and then to think about “what can I do that will give me that quality or feeling? This might be a baby step or it might be something totally different, but the idea must be do-able, feel good when she thinks about doing it, and feel easy to implement.
While thinking about “what can I do?”, it would be helpful to come up with several ideas and then pick the one that feels best plus then you have other ones to fall back on if your plan doesn’t work.
Jo has two horses, each who appear to be totally opposite in the way that they respond to Jo's interactions with them. Max typically ignores Jo or tries to take over in various ways and Cal typically "opts out" of any interaction that he thinks is not going to immediately benefit him in some way. So Cal can be very hard to catch and Max is easy to catch but can be hard for Jo to get to cooperate with her plans. I want to show you how these seemingly opposite behaviors are two sides of the same coin of an unconscious dynamic that Jo has with her two horses.
During this particular lesson we were working on two activities in one with Max; Pay-attention-to-me and Now-you-can-eat-now-you-can't-eat. These two ideas combine nicely to gain some attention and responsiveness around food. I began by explaining things to Jo and showing her with Max. Max was very responsive and attentive to me, lifting his head in response to my focus and inner awareness and keeping an eye or ear on me while he was eating. I then gave the lead rope to Jo and helped her get started. Max was doing pretty well considering that Jo was learning how to keep inner awareness and use the lead rope in such a way to ask Max to pick his head up without pulling on it.
I stepped further away to remove more of my influence, and shortly it was like a different horse was on the end of the lead rope. There was a wall of ignoring around Max and he would not give Jo the time of day or pick his head up for anything. I let Jo experiment for a little bit until I felt the frustration coming up and then I asked her how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She told me that she was frustrated. I asked what she wanted to do and she said something like, “just make him pick his head up”. I then asked her how that felt and if she had any NQR’s about “making him” pick his head up. She told me no at first but then as we talked she explained that she wanted a magical connection with Max and that she wanted him to cooperate with her because he wanted to and not because she was making him.
We talked about how that is kind of like being caught in this catch-22, where he is ignoring her and not complying with this simplest of requests, yet if she “makes him” comply, then she for sure hasn’t created what she wants. She also said, “I think he thinks I am a pushover”. I asked her if that was true, if he was accurate? And she kind of laughed and said “yeah, probably that is true.” We talked a little bit more about how this would affect her relationship with Max and how it would be hard to view her as a leader or someone to be listened to if he thought she was a pushover and she behaved like one with him in their relationship. We also talked about how this dynamic has limited the relationship and therefore had a limiting impact on Max’s life too, that it isn’t all just win-win for him to keep things the way they are.
We took a break here, it was a good stopping spot because these were totally new realizations for her.
Before starting our next session, we talked a little bit more about stuff and Jo had another BFO. She realized that she makes her decisions around what she thinks Max (or Cal) want and that she is afraid to try to get her wants met because they might not like her. This conversation took place sitting in the horse pasture with Max standing at the fence, hanging his head over the fence near where Jo was. Jo talked about wanting a deeper connection and why she felt like she didn’t have one. I pointed out to her the spots where she was having a connection already and Max was joining in on the conversation with chews, snorts and at one point a really unique expression that was in response to something that Jo said that he did not agree with. During this conversation, we also talked about what Jo could do with the pay attention to me and my grass game to set it up for success and to have other options between being totally ignored and “making him”.
In light of Jo’s BFO with Max, we could then see the connection to Cal's behavior. In regards to Cal, Jo’s thought (and mine too) is that he only wants to do things if it is on his terms and is going to benefit him, otherwise he is unwilling. This now makes perfect sense. Cal is pointing that same dynamic out, just in a different way—Max is saying “I am not going to cooperate with you or give you the time of day because if you are a pushover and not a leader, why should I?” Cal is on the other side saying, “see, you think it should be all about me, so I am going to show you that by acting like it is all about me.”
This dynamic is the main thing getting in the way of Jo achieving her dreams with each of these horses because it forms her decisions and behavior in each relationship. To begin to change this, Jo can begin to think of what she wants to do, what she wants from the horses, and then go about figuring out how to get that now, via what she CAN do now or today. To do this she will need to look at what she wants, and if it is a certain action from the horses, one that she is not sure they will do—then she needs to figure out what feeling or quality would come from that certain action and then to think about “what can I do that will give me that quality or feeling? This might be a baby step or it might be something totally different, but the idea must be do-able, feel good when she thinks about doing it, and feel easy to implement.
While thinking about “what can I do?”, it would be helpful to come up with several ideas and then pick the one that feels best plus then you have other ones to fall back on if your plan doesn’t work.
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